NO WOGGING ALLOWED!!! (whining+blogging=whogging)

I decided early on that I was not going to be a whogger, I saw the term on a friends blog (thanks Amy) and I decided that I liked it.  Noone likes to listen to someone whine!  Yea, life gets tough get over it!  so this is me getting over it:)

In June I ran 13.1 miles, thanks to my bout with pneumonia and a busy schedule today I struggled to run 2.5miles.  I was whining about this, but NO MORE!   I can't change what happened, and I it wouldn't be wise to push myself to run 13.1 miles right now.  What I can do is learn from the experience and move forward,  I don't need to understand why things like this happen, much worse things happen to other people all the time, through no fault of their own. 

Running is really mental for me, my legs and lungs can complain all they want, but I only stop running when my mind says it's ok.  When I started running my brain had to override a lot of complaining, but I had gotten to the point where I was just able to block all that out.  Now I am hearing the complaining again and I have to work to block it out again. 

That's like other parts of my life...when I start doing things that I know are good for me, be they at work or at church or at home, they can be difficult, and there can be a lot of resistance from within, or from other people.  Once I have been doing them for a while they become easier, and I become able to withstand the resistance.  Every so often something comes along that trips me up and sets me back to where things seem difficult again.  At that point I have 2 choices, I can stay down, where I fell when I tripped, or I can start over, or start from where I am and keep going.  I choose to keep going because I believe that's the only way things can get better, for me and for others. 

What do you choose?

What makes me me?

I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes me me.  I know the standard church stuff, I am an eternal being and I lived before I came to earth and I will live after and I am a child of God, but what makes me act the way I do and make the choices I do?

I believe that what I have learned through church and school and experiences plays a big part in the way I act and the things I do, I believe I have an eternal spirit, but how much of who I am can I really change?

I know that through God all things are possible, but are they all possible for me?  Is it possible for me to stay calm and not get overwhelmed when I have a million things coming at me?  I have learned tools to help, but I don't seem to be able to remember them in the heat of the moment.  Other people can, they stay totally calm in any situation, not me.  I get hyper, I know because my coworkers tease me about it, some of them laugh,  I can tell others get really irritated by it, it doesn't mean I don't solve problems and deal with things appropriately because I do.  It does mean that I sometimes irritate or offend people in the process, neither of which is a very desirable outcome when in a stressful situation and wtih people I have to deal with all the time.  So I apologize...a lot.

My question is can I change that, and if I can, should I , or is it part of what makes me me and if I change it I won't be me any more?  Would I be better off to just accept that I get hyper, that's just me, and figure out ways to use that to my advantage or should I keep working hard to change myself?  Maybe I should keep working hard to change myself, but my efforts would be more effective in another area, like developing more patience or being more positive, maybe I could actually make progress in those areas?   

I don't know, a lot of this probably doesn't even make sense when you try to read it.  One would think that by the age of 47 I would have these things all figured out, apparently not because right now I pretty much just have a lot of questions.   Anyone have a good answer for me?

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

My awkward and awesome today is a good illustration of it's all how you look at a situation.  When I look at it through a negative filter it seems awkward, when I change to the positive filter the same experiences are awesome!  Good reminder for me to keep that positive filter in place.

Awkward

Enjoying a nice conversation with my boss then walking out and realizing one of the other people from management was standing outside the door waiting, and I am sure listening.  Thankfully I wasn't saying anything negative, but awkward nonetheless.

Orienting to a new area, even things I know how to do seem unfamiliar and I question and second guess every decision I make.  The old "see one, do one" theory is a little scary sometimes.  Of course she was there to back me up, but still awkward.

Trying to get used to monovision contacts (right side for far away and left for up close).  My depth perception is off a little, and I feel like I have something in my left eye...oh wait...I do, it's a contact lense.  My brain feels like it is fighting to try and determine which image it is going to accept, the right one or the left one.

Awesome

Having a boss that will sit and talk with you, even though there is another manager lurking outside the door waiting for her.

Having nice and supportive people orienting me to the new unit, it helps me stop second guessing myself and looking at what I did wrong, and helps me see what I did right, which allows me to enjoy what I am doing. 

Realizing that I have contact lenses in my drawer that I tried to start wearing a while back while I was in school, but stopped because I war reading too much and there was not enough time for me to adjust to them.  Now that I am not in school I can wear my contact lenses!  For me that is awesome.  Like finding money in the couch.

Sunshine today, always, always, awesome no matter what filter I am looking through.  Today that positive filter will be on behind my sunglasses:)

New experiences and change

This is going to be a week of new experiences.  Tomorrow I start orienting in PACU1, (aka the recovery room).  I have every confidence that I can do the job, I am just very scared I will find it is even more stressful to work in PACU1 than it is to work on the floor right now.  With all the cuts and changes going on I want to learn as much as possible so I can work in as many areas as possible, this leaves me with more opportunities if for some reason my position was one of the ones eliminated, not likely, but it would be stupid of me not to even prepare for the possibility and instead run around like chicken little yelling the sky is falling. 

 I have been enjoying my time on the floor, it's odd, while everyone else is running around saying the sky is falling because of the changes in the matrix I feel totally at ease with it.  I have worked under those circumstances before and it is more difficult, but every bit as doable.  But it does involve a shift in priorities.  The luxury of simply visiting with your patients and their family doesn't happen nearly as much.  I guess the reason I am not stressing about it is that I know that it is not something I can change, no matter how much I object, fight or disagree with.  yes it's not as safe, there will be more falls and patient satisfaction scores will most likely go down, but I am one person and all I can do is the best I can in the circumstance I find myself in.  I am very sure the powers that be have considered the ramifications of their actions, they are smart people, and if this is what has to happen, it has to happen, despite the consequences.  This IS what nursing is in 2011.  Those that can't keep up are going to have to get out and make way for those that are willing to dig in and do the job.  Our efforts would be more effective if we focused them on finding things we CAN do to make this work, be part of the solution not the problem.  My husband teases me that I can be a little bit of a control freak at times, I have determined that the only thing truly in my control at work these days is my attitude, and I want to keep it as positive as possible, even if it drives others nuts. 

Some people look at my behaviour as brown nosing, or being a pollyanna, but that's not my intent at all.  My intent is to help make my workplace as happy as possible for all concerned so we all enjoy being there and we can work together as a team.  Is that realistic? 

OH YEAH!  another new experience, I made indian food for the first time this week, ever, I hadn't even tasted it until about 6 months ago.  it turned out awesome, if anyone wants a recipe for chicken curry just let me know!  If I smell funny this week it is because of the curry oozing out of my pores, I hear it sticks around for a while. 

Thanks Chief Knight and my funky run

I went to a picnic this afternoon that was thrown to thank the people in Mason county districk 5 for supporting their firechief of 55 years.  I don't live in Mason County district 5, but I think it is fair to say that Chief Knight deserves their thanks.  He spent the last 55 years as their fire chief.  Like him or not, his devotion to Mason County is unquestionable.  He was the longest serving fire chief in the state of Washington.  He started in his early 20's and he was one of the first fire chiefs to fully integrate women into their workforce.  Think about it, very few people spend 55 years doing anything anymore, heck, most marriages don't even last that long.  Even though I don't live in that area I have family members that do, so for that I say THANKS!!!!

I went for a run later, I just didn't have any energy and I was sore, but I finished my run anyway, because that's what runners do, they run, no matter what, and I am a runner.  My pace may be a job for others, but for me it's a run.  Since I was so tired I was looking for ways to distract myself, Elton Johns Crocodille rock came on my I-pod, I usually skip that song, it's not really the right pace, but today it made me want to dance and heck, I need to give my arms a workout, so I cranked it up and tried to dance while I was running. People passing me must have thought I had some abnomral spastic muscle disease, because I am not nearly as coordinated as I would like to think I am.  In my head the arm movements and shadow boxing to a later song looked so cool  I was trying to channel rocky at that point.  I am sure that anyone passing me on the trail thought otherwise.  My arms were flailing randomly as I tried to keep up with the beat and do cool things with  my arms, since noone else could hear the music they were keeping their distance from me when they past, and most likely holding their kids a little closer.  My bizzare dance movements did serve their  pupose, because it distracted me and  I was able to bump up to my 3 mile distance again.

 I am excited that summer has finally arrived and I can run outside and extra thankful that I am feeling healthy again.  Good health is one of those things so many take for granted until they loose it for a while, which everyone needs to do once in a while, so they appreciate it and remember to be thankful for it.

During the barbecue today the song, lean on me came on, and it made me cry, it always does because it reminds me how many wonderful and awesome people I have been blessed with in my life that I can lean on, and that lean on me.  Some days life just seems awesome, and even though nothing spectacular happened, I count today as one of them. 

PS.  Training in PACU 1 next week, should be an interesting week!

Awesome and Awkward Thursday

AWESOME
Being able to run 2 1/2 miles again after more than a month off for pneumonia without pain or feeling like I couldn't breath and it felt beyond awesome.  I was a little worried that I was going to have to switch back to just being a walker, but nope, I am definetely a runner, not a very fast one right now, but a runner nonetheless.

Finding out that the cancer markers in my dad's blood are continuing to drop, giving rise to hope that he will beat this previously and supposedly unbeatable cancer.

Playing who wants to be a millionaire online with Bob and actually getting the million, too bad it's not real money. 

I interacted with some awesome doctors this week, one of them being Dr Kang, my dads oncologist, he is quite possibly the most caring doctor I have ever met. and 2nd Dr Dierwechter at work, for respecting me enough to take a few minutes out of  her very busy schedule to double check one of her collegues patients and put my mind at ease.  I knew it was probably nothing, but needed to hear it, and she was willing to do that, to me that shows respect and that's awesome.

Going to a new convert baptism, the pure joy is fun to share and the spirit is incredible.  If you haven't been to one you should try it.  You can check out LDS.org or contact your local missionaries or leaders to find out when the next one is.  It's a really feel good type of thing.


AWKWARD

Lay offs at work, everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop to see what is going to happen.  I have heard that in other areas of the nation hospitals are finding ways to target the most experienced nurses for layoffs because they can replace them with a new nurse that makes half as much.  With 16 years of experience that makes me nervous, but my boss assures me I am ok...as far as she knows.  Right now I am just grateful to have a job.  I will be grateful when we get through this time.  Everyone is walking around wondering who will stay and who will go.  Makes the stress level high. 

Running on the Chehalis Western trail and realizing by the funny looks on people faces that I was accidently singing out loud with my IPOD, and everyone knows how awful you sound when you can't  hear yourself sing.   Oh well, it gave a few people a good laugh.