Awkward and Awesome Thursday-lots of goodbyes

Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster between awesome and awkward with a mix of sadness in it.  It was my last day of work at Multicare and my last day in Washington before I head down to Utah to join Bob, who has been there since the first week in September.

Awesome-The people at the Allenmore PACU and in general, so supportive and kind, I am really going to miss them, I don't think I have ever experienced such a feeling of teamwork and unity in the workplace.  When people told me they would miss me I actually believed them, and I am so going to miss them.  I wish I could transplant them all to Utah with me, however that would create a chain reaction of events that would mess up a whole lot of lives, so instead I will say goodbye and thanks for the memories. 

Awkward-being separated from my husband so much the last 6 weeks.  I married my husband for a reason, well, for a lot of reasons, one of the big ones being I wanted to be with him forever, so being apart from him so much these past few weeks has been awkward and sad,  I am really looking forward to seeing him in a couple days.

Awesome-This morning I head for Utah (after picking up my Grace Adele order of course), it's a long drive, but well worth it when I know what is waiting for me at the end.

Awkward-I wanted to make the drive with my mom, but the way the schedule fell that's not going to happen, which is not only awkward, but very sad.  I wish I could transplant her with me too, but that would also create a chain reaction that would mess up other peoples lives (hers mostly) so that can't happen.  We will have to do our road trip another day.

Awesome-I start a new job Monday, I got a call yesterday that said "Good news, your background check came back and you aren't a serial killer!"  I was so excited.   I am transitioning in to a whole new position/area of nursing.  Totally out of my comfort zone, but it fits with the whole fresh start thing in Utah. 

Awkward-family dynamics....I just want everyone to love everyone, and they do love each other, they just don't all agree.  That sometimes puts me in a very awkward position when I just want to love them all.  I seem to be ending up in the middle a lot and that is not a pleasant place to be. 

Awesome-Our savior loves us all and through his atonement all will be made right.  I know that God has a great plan of happiness for my life, and my kids and other family members lives.  I have seen a lot of prayers answered first hand lately, that is reassuring, it helps me know that even if I don't understand everything, that is OK, because he does, and I have enough faith in him to understand that he is in control and everything will work out for our good. 

Time to head off to start my new life with  my husband and family in Utah, I changed my mind, no goodbyes, just til we meet again, after all, with facebook it will be like we are still neighbors.

 

Tie dye is so cool, just saying...

The past few weeks have been a crazy whirlwind, it seems like time is continually accelerating!  We moved our stuff to Utah. I say we, but actually there were about 20 people from Lacey 2nd Ward that came to help load our truck, Bob and Greg drove the truck down, and people from our Sunset Park ward helped unload, so pretty much we is actually they.  I just packed the boxes and I am now unpacking the boxes.  I told Bob he coudln't unload anything, because I am afraid if he unloaded I would never find some of my stuff again (although there is some of his stuff he will never find again...).  I need to say a great big thank you to everyone that helped us load and unload, it was incredible, made me feel so loved:)

I was able to find a job in Utah, so this trip up to Washington will be the last of this phase in my life. I will be staying with my sister and her daughter in Purdy....yes Purdy, it is really the name of the town, it is right by the Purdy spit. This makes my commute so much shorter and it will give me the unique opportunity to focus on being a great sister and aunt.

I will miss everyone in Washington, but I am really loving my time in Utah where I can see my family and enjoy their company. I am looking forward to being here full time and exploring all the trails and activities like the farmers market that Spanish Fork has to offer. I also have a lot more family members to catch up with once I am settled in here.

These past couple weeks I had the unique opportunity of living in my mom's motor home, located in her back yard.  This basically meant I was able to be a kid again.  We had some really good long talks, excercised together and we had a blast making body butter, lip balm, coasters, and best of all Tie Dye!  I never really had much opportunity to tie dye in the past, and I am pretty sure my attempts were never worn.  This time, thanks to a few U-tube videos, mom, Alyssa and I were able to create some really cool designs.  Mom is selling some of them in her shop and I brought a couple shirts home for Bob and I.  I had so much fun, I want to tie dye everything, however my husband has informed me that tie dye really isn't in fashion much anymore, however,  I have decided I don't care. I love that moment when you remove all the rubberbands from the shirt and see how your design turns out, it is so exciting, it makes me feel like a real artist!  So next time you see me, I will most likely be wearing a tie dye T-shirt.  Unless of course I am at church or work where I of course will dress appropriatly, although tie dye scrubs might work, I may check that out.

What about you, have you ever tie dyed and had it turn out?



 

What a difference a few weeks Makes!

It's been a busy  few weeks.  I got back from Girls camp and Bob and I turned around and went to Utah for the boys baptism right after that.  It was fun, I can't believe they are 8 already.  When I got back from that I started a new job in PACU.  The very week I started in PACU Bob and I learned that he got the position in Spanish Fork Utah, so we will be  moving...soon!  I did tell Susan, the PACU nurse manager, that when I discussed the position in PACU with her that Bob had applied for a position in Utah and that we would  most likely be moving, I just didn't know when.  Within a week of learning of his new position we have found some to live and are working on planning the actual move, oh, and we had a garage sale Saturday too!  talk about a whirlwind!

Originally my plan was to commute from Utah to Washington, pretty much indefinitly, I have a very sweet set up  here with my job, and I don't want to just walk away from it.  I have been floating to PACU for about a year now, in hopes of getting a position there and I finally got one!  I was also recently asked to be on the Multicare Nursing Research oversight committee, and I am so excited about it!  I have a mentor, I have things in place to finish my Masters degree in nursing, I have the schedule I want, I work with awesome positive people and I actually could go on and on about all the fantastic reasons I should continue to commute here to work, including unfinished projects.  There is only one huge problem, my husband won't be here, and the closer it gets, the more real it gets that he will be in Utah and I will be here the less I want to do that.  I mean, I married my husband for a reason, choosing to be apart for him just because I love my career doesn't make much sense because I definitely love him more than my career.  I am sure I will find a position that is just as rewarding and uplifting as the one I have here, it is just kind of hard to see that right now.  For the mean time I will be living in Utah, but staying with my sister in Tacoma the majority of time while trying to figure out  exactly what step the Lord wants me to take next and when.  I do have a little time though, because Bob's job will keep him extremetly busy until the Costco opens there in Spanish Fork, so we wouldn't really see each other much.   Time to get on my way to work!

WHAT WAS I THINKING?: Girls camp

WHAT WAS I THINKING?: Girls camp: I love it when I have the opportunity to go to girls camp for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  It is such a spiritual high...

Girls camp

I love it when I have the opportunity to go to girls camp for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  It is such a spiritual high.  They just don't make activities like this for adults.  The spiritual high starts the minute you get there and doesn't end until you leave.  I completely agree with the statement Elder Lee, the missionary helping to run the camp said the opening evening that the only place on the earth more spiritual than the church camp is the temple.

Our girls were awesome, it does my heart good to see the compassion and kindness demonstrated for girls that they barely knew at the time during high adventure.

Our sixth year girls were there for us whenever we needed them, they set a good example for the girls in our tent.

Our 5th year girls were so sweet, not only did they certify the girls, but they came to our tent and shared in our devotionals.

Our hike was beautiful, although the people at the campsite we walked through were probably wondering what the heck was happening.

I couldn't have asked for a better tent mom to work with, what I didn't cover she did and vice versa, we learned several things we want to do in the future (well she wants to do, I will be moving before then).  Our ward is going to be super prepared for next year at Ensign Ranch. 

random quotes of the week "I told her she could bring caskets to girls camp"  "I lost Jesus, oh wait, I found him"  "She is a green so she doesn't care and I am an orange so I lost mine".

I came home exhausted but with a lot of great memories and I really hope I am blessed with the opportunity to be a tent mom again in the future.


 

Doing the Dirty Dash June 2nd

OK, I may be crazy, but I signed up to do the dirty dash with my kids  in Utah on June 2nd (I will be out of town for the one in this area).  It sounded like great fun, however I just watched a YouTube video with highlights from one of the races and I am questioning my sanity.  Why would I want to go run a 10K through mud and over obstacles?    Hopefully the answer is because I can and it looks like fun.

I got really out of my running routine while I was sick and getting back in to it has proved to be challenging.  I decided I would go back to the roots and start with the couch to 5K program, thankfully I discovered that I am not starting at the beginning of the program, because otherwise I would be no where near ready to run a 10K in June.  I also added Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies" as my crosstraining on my off days.  Yeah, that's right, Richard Simmons, it is embarassing to admit it, but I just love exercising to those videos.  I guess I figure I can't do any worse or look any more ridiculous than some of the people on the videos, they are beyond oldies now and the clothings shows it.   I was actually able to get 7 different ones for 25 dollars through amazon with free shipping.  Hmmm what does that say???

Oh well, I don't care what people think.  I need a boost to get back on track.  My friend Heather has been encouraging me to work out with her, that helps.  I am open if anyone wants to work out with me, however just know, that I am slow....really...r e a l l y   slow, but I get there.  So any friends that are not worried about me crimping their style or holding them back and want to work out let me know, If I am not working I will be there.    PS... I am not really reliable in the early morning hours, just saying

I'm Mormon, my son is gay, and I am proud of him...its that OK?

I have needed to write this blog for a while, but I wanted to make sure I was clear on my feelings and my son was completely out of the closet so I wouldn't surprise anyone.  Well, the "it gets better" video he participated in made it pretty clear, he is out.  If you haven't seen it you can watch it here
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtzEdArmqLU   There is also a compilation video called "it gets better at Brigham Young University"  that he is a part of.

The reaction has varied from "so what?"  to "you are going to lose him forever and burn in hell for supporting him".  If the statistics are accurate there are 1800 gay students at BYU.  That means there are 1800 sets of parents that have either dealt with this issue directly, or will have to at some point.  This is my story, my reaction, you might call it  my it gets better blog to those Mormon parents that might be looking for support in dealing with this issue. 

First of all, I have to say, this issue is very different when it is someone you love.  I always suspected that Kevin was gay, his behavior from the time he was very small was different from his brothers, although we never took the time to discuss it with him. I guess we really didn't want to know, or plant any ideas in his head, like that might make him gay (not).  My husband and I always said that if he turned out to be gay it was something someone was born with, because of what we saw in him.  So I was not surprised when he told us, but it was still a shock.  One thing was clear, this was not a choice, in fact, if he had any choice in the matter he would choose NOT to be gay. 

Initially I had a pain go through my entire body, like watching a child touch a hot iron or fall into a fire.  I knew this was not something I could fix as a parent.  My focus at that point was making sure Kevin knew that Bob and I loved him and would not turn our back on him like we had heard others do, and that God loved him, no matter what.  We discussed that we are blessed for the good that we do, and that if  he reached a point he felt he could not stay celibate, that didn't mean  he couldn't work to keep the other commandments and teachings of the gospel.  Basically if he acted on his feelings of being gay he didn't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater and turn his back on the church and God.  Not believing in his ability to live the gospel should never be a reason that it is no longer true.  Kevin understands the teachings of the gospel, and what the ramifications of his actions would be if he engaged in an open relationship with another man.  I wanted my son to be happy, and to be clear that it is better to live life and sin (because lets face it, we all do in one way or another)  than to die before he could commit a huge sin. 

Once this initial phase was over, and Kevin went back to BYU I was left to determine how I really felt about this whole issue.  Half of me believes it is totally OK to be gay, God made them that way and they should be allowed to marry and have children.  The other half says no, that's not God's plan, you are wrong to feel that way, the scriptures and leaders are very clear on this subject.  So how do you reconcile 2 things that are so clearly opposites?  I had never had to do it before, it was never personal, I could believe what I wanted, but there was not conflict.  Initially, I cried a lot, and prayed a lot. I couldn't give up on who I am and what I believe, but Kevin is who he is, how could I deny that?  I want him to be happy and be with me forever, and for a while it was looking like I would have to choose, and that felt very wrong.

 Initially the solution seemed to be that the church needed to change. I know, ridiculous, but we do believe in modern revelation and things have changed in the past.  I never felt good praying this way, the tears and turmoil continued, I couldn't understand why I couldn't get a confirmation that eventually the church would change and everything would be OK.  Just like praying away the gay doesn't work, praying that God will change the church for your son doesn't work either, but accepting it was not an option for me at that time either.

It wasn't until I changed my question that I got my answer.  When I changed my question and started praying asking what was supposed to do, how did he want me to deal with this?  that my answer came, loud and clear "Love him, let God judge him, there are things you don't understand."  That answer brought me peace and calmness that has persisted, not matter what anyone else says.  I know that if I love my son and accept him for who he is, and let God do the judging, I will be OK, and so will he.  It is OK to be proud of him, he is a good person, and he is helping others by speaking out.

Some people think my conclusion is not OK, and supporting and accepting him as a gay person is a sin in and of itself.  I should be preaching repentance to him.  If I love my son I should be more concerned about eternity than now.  That's not  the answer I received personally.  Christ lived and loved even the worst sinners.  He didn't preach long sermons to them, he taught, then loved, and said "he who is without sin cast the first stone".  God will decide what is a sin and what is not.  God knows the difficulty of the challenges we have in our life.  Just like in diving, where the score for  how well you did the dive is multiplied by the difficulty of the dive, in this life I believe how well we live our lives, given the difficulty of our lives will be taken in to account. 

One thing for sure, I have grown tremendously through this whole process, and even though there are still struggles, now that I have accepted who he is I am OK with it and I have peace.  The angry comments don't bother me anymore, because I have peace.  So my initial question was really rhetorical, because I don't need to ask if it is OK, I know it is.

AWKWARD AND AWESOME THURSDAY

Time for another Awkward and awesome Thursday....hmmm, should I start with the Awkward or the Awesome?   I think I will mix them up today.

Awkward:   Driving 45 minutes to work in the rain and rushing in at the last minute only to discover the meeting was cancelled.
Aweseome:  Getting more time to spend with my mom at lunch because the meeting was cancelled.

Awkward:  Finding a black hair in my fettuccini at Olive Garden
Awesome:  They gave me that meal free

Awesome:  Having the strength to turn down the free fresh baked cookie that smelled so good while I was at work
Awkward:  Making a batch of cookies when I got home and eating half of it by myself....literally

Awkward and Awesome conversation overheard when I got to work last week...."can you please clarify for me our policy on 2 people sharing the same bed together, naked?"  love my job, although the really awkward comments that conversation evoked cannot be posted here:)

Awesome:  Going back to work and not being low censused!
Awkward:  Getting 5 calls in one day to work the next day, all from different people, and telling them all no, I hate telling people no!  But hey, I had a good reason,  I had the afore mentioned meeting to go to, and more importantly a lunch date with my mom.

Awkward:  Going to church alone, teaching Sunday School and Primary and leaving without getting a chance to talk to anyone else
Awesome:  Going to choir practice and getting that chance, we have great people in our choir..and if the rumor is true one of them even blog-stalks me, I feel so special:) 

Awesome, awesome and more awesome:
Getting a chance to visit with all mykids and grandkids in Las Vegas, play games, eat at buffets, enjoy the sunshine go flight lining in boot leg canyon (like ziplining, only faster), go zip lining on freemont street and even go swimming for a short time with my grandkids (only a short time because even though the sun was shining it was not really warm the day the time we decided to go). 

oh, and one more awesome, the estimated graduation date for my Masters program is October 2013

I am going to go pray for sunshine then get some sleep, good night!

Good bye lap band hello running!

It's been quite a month, another bout with pneumonia pretty much consumed most of my time.  I decided I have had enough a being sick, so when the doctor recommended that I have my lap band removed, in hopes that it would reduce the amount of reflux I was having and hopefully reverse some of the esophegeal issues I had developed, I didn't even hesitate to say yes. At the time I felt very confident that I would be able to maintain my weight loss, I have developed a lot of good habits, like running and eating better.  I strongly believed that these would carry me through, and quite frankly at that point I didn't really care if I gained back all of the 120# that I had lost, I just wanted my life back, I was so tired of being sick. 

That was then, this is reality.  The good news is that I can eat again, with only a small amount of residual swallowing issues.  The bad news is I can eat again, with only myself to restrict what and how much I eat.  The first couple weeks I had no appetite, well, it's back!  I am pretty sure my scale needs a new battery, otherwise I have been gaining 3 # a day the past 3 days, and I seriously have not had that much to eat or drink, that would be a ridiculous amount of calories.  I need to jump start my metabolism!

The way I have done that in the past was to run, well, it is so nasty outside, and I don't have a gym membership so i haven't wanted to do that.  I decided I would do the insanity work-out with my son, a very modified low impact version.  It felt OK when I was doing it, I just needed to back off when my lungs started to burn, the next day however all of the muscles I hadn't used in way too long were complaining....LOUDLY.  I tried it one more time, it was easier, but it was a short work out.  It was enough for me to decide that running in the rain didn't sound so bad after all.  

So today I ran.  I got lucky and was able to get out and back with only a few sprinkles (thank you hourly weather forecast!)  Honestly, to say I ran is a gross exageration.  What I actually did was more of a walk/shuffle.  I did get a few good running strides in there to start with, but when my lungs started burning I figured I had to back off.  I didn't want to just walk, that is not my goal, walking does not do for me what running does.  Instead I did what my son refers to as the "lineman's shuffle"  where I am going through the motions of running, but putting as little effort as possible in to the running process.  I believe I was actually going faster on my walk breaks than during my running portions.  But it was a start, and psychologically I have started running again, that's what matters because that is what motivates me to get out there and continue my runs, I am a runner, albeit a slow one.  It is very different than thinking I need to start a running program, or start excercising, I may be slow, but I am doing it, and that makes all the difference in the world. 

Running helps motivate me to eat better, because why waste all that effort by putting junk food in my body?  So, I am off to buy a new battery for my scale, and to look up motivational quotes to keep me moving forward.  I really do not feel like the same person I was before I lost weight, I see and do things differently and it carries through to all aspects of my life.  I feel like losing weight gave me my life back and I don't plan to let go of it without a fight so bring it on!

AWKWARD AND AWESOME THURSDAY (and thankful post in one)

Part 1 AWKWARD AND AWESOME

AWKARD
Forgetting about a meeting and having the hospital administrator be the one to discover you forgot about it, thankfully I was able to make it to the meeting after her "reminder". 

Being caught in the middle, there was a miscommunication in planning of skills lab which created a conflict in schedules and a lot of waiting for people.   I was stuck going back and forth between the 2 parties and I hate that.  I need to remember to stand up for myself and say  "could you please talk to them directly, it leads to fewer misunderstandings"  I am so eager to help that I have found myself in that situation before, I am learning....obviously not perfect at it yet

Getting a call from someone in help and not being able to go to their aide because they are too far away.   Only so much you can do over the phone. 


AWESOME

I got to help with skills lab and I loved it.  This confirmed that my choice to pursue the education pathway for my masters instead of the leadership pathway was the right choice.

Getting to see every nurse, CNA, MT and US  from all the inpatient units in their regular clothes.  Everyone looks so much better when they are not in scrubs,  not that they look bad in scrubs.....

The people I work with are awesome, they give a lot of positive reinforcement, which is always appreciated.  When they use words like Excellent, beautiful, great job and exceptional it makes me feel good, who wouldn't?   I have never heard those words after cleaning a toilet at home or cooking a meal.  However, tonight my husband told me that the dinner I fixed was "the epitome of good  meals" and I now have an inside joke with those that know me, the word exceptional is always going to make me laugh/smile.

PART 2  THANKFUL POST

All of my facebook friends should know by now that I am trying to write a post listing 5 things I am thankful for every night.  It makes me focus on the good from the day, and not the bad.  I am told it increases happiness and positivity.  I can always use more happiness, so I am not giving up on it yet, although I have been missing more days...

1) I am thankful I got to help with skills lab, I learned a lot and hopefully others did too.
2) I am thankful above skills lab went well today and it is over. 
3)  I am thankful our administrator accidently walked in on my while I was teaching the PCA class so I was reminded I needed to hand off the class to the other nurse and attend the research meeting I was supposed to be at for that hour.
4)  I am thankful I am on the clinical Nursing research committee (CRAC).  I am a geek and I really enjoy the research.  Being on the committee has given me direct access to the people and resources needed for our project.
5)  I am thankful that there is snow in the forecast, I love it!