Doing the Dirty Dash June 2nd

OK, I may be crazy, but I signed up to do the dirty dash with my kids  in Utah on June 2nd (I will be out of town for the one in this area).  It sounded like great fun, however I just watched a YouTube video with highlights from one of the races and I am questioning my sanity.  Why would I want to go run a 10K through mud and over obstacles?    Hopefully the answer is because I can and it looks like fun.

I got really out of my running routine while I was sick and getting back in to it has proved to be challenging.  I decided I would go back to the roots and start with the couch to 5K program, thankfully I discovered that I am not starting at the beginning of the program, because otherwise I would be no where near ready to run a 10K in June.  I also added Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies" as my crosstraining on my off days.  Yeah, that's right, Richard Simmons, it is embarassing to admit it, but I just love exercising to those videos.  I guess I figure I can't do any worse or look any more ridiculous than some of the people on the videos, they are beyond oldies now and the clothings shows it.   I was actually able to get 7 different ones for 25 dollars through amazon with free shipping.  Hmmm what does that say???

Oh well, I don't care what people think.  I need a boost to get back on track.  My friend Heather has been encouraging me to work out with her, that helps.  I am open if anyone wants to work out with me, however just know, that I am slow....really...r e a l l y   slow, but I get there.  So any friends that are not worried about me crimping their style or holding them back and want to work out let me know, If I am not working I will be there.    PS... I am not really reliable in the early morning hours, just saying

I'm Mormon, my son is gay, and I am proud of him...its that OK?

I have needed to write this blog for a while, but I wanted to make sure I was clear on my feelings and my son was completely out of the closet so I wouldn't surprise anyone.  Well, the "it gets better" video he participated in made it pretty clear, he is out.  If you haven't seen it you can watch it here
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtzEdArmqLU   There is also a compilation video called "it gets better at Brigham Young University"  that he is a part of.

The reaction has varied from "so what?"  to "you are going to lose him forever and burn in hell for supporting him".  If the statistics are accurate there are 1800 gay students at BYU.  That means there are 1800 sets of parents that have either dealt with this issue directly, or will have to at some point.  This is my story, my reaction, you might call it  my it gets better blog to those Mormon parents that might be looking for support in dealing with this issue. 

First of all, I have to say, this issue is very different when it is someone you love.  I always suspected that Kevin was gay, his behavior from the time he was very small was different from his brothers, although we never took the time to discuss it with him. I guess we really didn't want to know, or plant any ideas in his head, like that might make him gay (not).  My husband and I always said that if he turned out to be gay it was something someone was born with, because of what we saw in him.  So I was not surprised when he told us, but it was still a shock.  One thing was clear, this was not a choice, in fact, if he had any choice in the matter he would choose NOT to be gay. 

Initially I had a pain go through my entire body, like watching a child touch a hot iron or fall into a fire.  I knew this was not something I could fix as a parent.  My focus at that point was making sure Kevin knew that Bob and I loved him and would not turn our back on him like we had heard others do, and that God loved him, no matter what.  We discussed that we are blessed for the good that we do, and that if  he reached a point he felt he could not stay celibate, that didn't mean  he couldn't work to keep the other commandments and teachings of the gospel.  Basically if he acted on his feelings of being gay he didn't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater and turn his back on the church and God.  Not believing in his ability to live the gospel should never be a reason that it is no longer true.  Kevin understands the teachings of the gospel, and what the ramifications of his actions would be if he engaged in an open relationship with another man.  I wanted my son to be happy, and to be clear that it is better to live life and sin (because lets face it, we all do in one way or another)  than to die before he could commit a huge sin. 

Once this initial phase was over, and Kevin went back to BYU I was left to determine how I really felt about this whole issue.  Half of me believes it is totally OK to be gay, God made them that way and they should be allowed to marry and have children.  The other half says no, that's not God's plan, you are wrong to feel that way, the scriptures and leaders are very clear on this subject.  So how do you reconcile 2 things that are so clearly opposites?  I had never had to do it before, it was never personal, I could believe what I wanted, but there was not conflict.  Initially, I cried a lot, and prayed a lot. I couldn't give up on who I am and what I believe, but Kevin is who he is, how could I deny that?  I want him to be happy and be with me forever, and for a while it was looking like I would have to choose, and that felt very wrong.

 Initially the solution seemed to be that the church needed to change. I know, ridiculous, but we do believe in modern revelation and things have changed in the past.  I never felt good praying this way, the tears and turmoil continued, I couldn't understand why I couldn't get a confirmation that eventually the church would change and everything would be OK.  Just like praying away the gay doesn't work, praying that God will change the church for your son doesn't work either, but accepting it was not an option for me at that time either.

It wasn't until I changed my question that I got my answer.  When I changed my question and started praying asking what was supposed to do, how did he want me to deal with this?  that my answer came, loud and clear "Love him, let God judge him, there are things you don't understand."  That answer brought me peace and calmness that has persisted, not matter what anyone else says.  I know that if I love my son and accept him for who he is, and let God do the judging, I will be OK, and so will he.  It is OK to be proud of him, he is a good person, and he is helping others by speaking out.

Some people think my conclusion is not OK, and supporting and accepting him as a gay person is a sin in and of itself.  I should be preaching repentance to him.  If I love my son I should be more concerned about eternity than now.  That's not  the answer I received personally.  Christ lived and loved even the worst sinners.  He didn't preach long sermons to them, he taught, then loved, and said "he who is without sin cast the first stone".  God will decide what is a sin and what is not.  God knows the difficulty of the challenges we have in our life.  Just like in diving, where the score for  how well you did the dive is multiplied by the difficulty of the dive, in this life I believe how well we live our lives, given the difficulty of our lives will be taken in to account. 

One thing for sure, I have grown tremendously through this whole process, and even though there are still struggles, now that I have accepted who he is I am OK with it and I have peace.  The angry comments don't bother me anymore, because I have peace.  So my initial question was really rhetorical, because I don't need to ask if it is OK, I know it is.